ONLINE THERAPY THROUGHOUT CONNECTICUT
When the same fight keeps happening...
If you and your partner are having the same fight over and over again, you're not alone. It is one of the most common problems couples report when they come to therapy.
It might be about finances, sex, responsibilities, or parenting.
And every time the topic comes up, it blows up into a fight.
It goes from 0 to 60 in less than a second, and before either of you knows what happened, you're spiraling.
Yelling, screaming, crying, begging, chasing, pulling away...
And instead of coming to an agreement, you both walk away wondering, silently or aloud, whether the relationship is beyond repair.
The escalation is scary.
The fact that there doesn't seem to be a solution is scary.
And the fact that it keeps happening is scary.
You might even wonder if this problem that keeps coming up between you can even be fixed...
The truth is, there are times when partners have values or needs that are so different that they genuinely struggle to come to an agreement.
Often, though, in my practice working with couples dealing with complex and intergenerational trauma, there is something else going on.
The conflict may be touching a deep core wound in each of you.
It may be activating emotions and unmet needs from long ago, before the two of you ever got together.
That's not to say the current issue isn't a problem. It most certainly is.
And I know how hard it is to not be able to find a solution to a problem that is affecting your relationship in such a significant way.
Instead of being able to come together as a team to solve it, you find yourselves fighting against each other.
That's the part that hurts the most.
At least, it did for me when I was stuck in this dynamic in my own marriage.
So the present-day problem is real. It's valid, and it needs to be addressed.
When it comes to complex trauma, though, the past and present can become intertwined.
The problem you're trying to solve today can become mixed up with feelings and unmet needs from the past.
So while you're trying to solve your today-problem, your past problem may be trying to get solved too.
One problem you're aware of, the other you may not even know is there.
When the past enters the present, this might look like...
You're fighting about the takeout budget...
You're fighting about the takeout budget, going round and round, while your stomach twists into knots, your jaw tightens, and panic rises in your chest.
Suddenly, your partner looks like the enemy.
You may find yourself thinking they're selfish and inconsiderate, or bossy and controlling.
Deep down, there are younger parts of each of you fighting for safety, security, autonomy, and belonging.
For that younger part of you, not having enough money might feel like a life-or-death threat, while being able to spend freely may bring up an intense fear of losing a sense of autonomy for your partner.
When sex comes up...
You may need to know that you can say no and still be loved, while your partner may need to know they're worthy of connection.
When you're fighting about responsibilities...
You may be fighting over much more than who does what. You may be carrying a deep sense of being alone, carrying too much, or never being "good enough."
And parenting disagreements can bring unique wounds to the surface...
The anger you felt toward your parents but couldn't express, the fear of becoming like them, or the longing for the unconditional love you didn't receive.
The younger parts of you become activated, and because they don't have the maturity or skill set to solve adult problems, you get stuck.
What does treatment look like?
The work starts with building the capacity to stay present with your emotional experience without becoming overwhelmed by it.
You both need to be able to feel what you're feeling and stay grounded enough to remain connected to yourselves and to each other.
Next, we track the cycle.
We slow things down and get curious about where the triggers are and how you each protect yourselves when things feel uncertain or painful between you. We explore how those strategies make sense in the context of your attachment history, while also looking at how they maintain the cycle you're stuck inside.
As you get clearer about the cycle, it starts to feel like a problem you're solving together.
Rather than seeing one another as adversaries, you begin to take an "us against the cycle" approach to this problem that lives between you.
From there, we bring our attention to the more vulnerable parts that you are each protecting.
This is where we begin to make contact with the hurts and unmet needs underneath the protection—to understand what each of you learned to do when you felt unsafe, unseen, rejected, controlled, abandoned, or alone.
And this is where things really begin to change.
Your partner's attempts to control may suddenly look less threatening. It's not that control is okay—boundaries are important in this work, too. It's that the behavior doesn't have the same meaning.
Rather than experiencing their control only as a rejection or criticism that makes you question their love for or acceptance of you, the younger, more vulnerable part of them comes into focus—the part that is trying to feel safe.
And your partner may begin to see something different in you, too.
What once looked like rejection may begin to look like a part of you trying to protect yourself from feeling overwhelmed. What looked like criticism may be connected to a longing to feel seen. What looked like indifference may be a protective response to fear or hurt.
You begin to see the vulnerability underneath the protection.
And while you can't heal your partner and they can't heal you, you can support each other as you each learn to care for these younger parts of yourselves.
By now, you're catching the cycle before it starts, or reigning it in quickly if it does take hold.
You can communicate with more honesty and authenticity. You can recognize when the past is getting mixed up with the present. You can repair when you've hurt each other and learn from your conflicts rather than simply repeating them.
And over time, the relationship itself begins to change.
You become more gentle with each other.
You develop more trust in your ability to navigate difficult moments together.
You learn to approach the problem as something you're facing together rather than something one of you has to win.
And you begin to build something new—a relationship where both of you can care for the vulnerable parts of yourselves while also staying connected to each other.