Harsh Self-Talk:When The Voice Inside Your Head Turns Against You

The way we talk to ourselves shapes the relationship we have with ourselves.

I noticed early on in my own healing that the voice inside my head was really unkind to me.

You may be able to relate, or maybe it’s not something you’ve noticed yet.

It took me a while to connect the dots - when I was harsh and critical to myself, I felt tense, anxious, irritable and moody. When we slow down in therapy, you start to notice these thoughts.

Often, that mean inner voice can be traced back to the past.

You may have internalized the voice of a parent or caregiver as a child, and now that voice sounds like yours.

Now, when you make mistakes, when someone doesn’t respond to your text right away or you think they are upset with you, or you go through a breakup, or have an argument with a partner, that voice turns on you.

Harsh self-talk can be cruel and punishing.

Why Do You Do That?

The funny thing about harsh and critical self talk is it’s usually trying to help.

It may be trying to push you to be better so that you can get the love and approval you’ve been longing for. Or it may be trying to keep you connected to your parent.

And this part is important to acknowledge because when you do, you may be able to feel some compassion for it, if not now, eventually.

There’s also a cost though.

When our self talk is cruel and unkind, it can intensify anxiety and depression, lead to irritability and tension, and cause mood fluctuations that may seem unprovoked. One day you’re okay, then suddenly you’re trying to find a way to crawl out of your own skin. There usually is a trigger - a situation or interaction that sets those thoughts off. In therapy, we begin to make those connections so you get to know yourself better and recognize what comes before.

Self-Punishment Doesn’t Motivate Change

Rather than motivating change, that cruel voice in your head may be keeping you stuck. 

Harshness directed inward creates internal conflict. For instance, I’ve seen people punish themselves for not being productive enough. They’re hoping by doing so, they’ll get more motivated, but instead, another part of them rebels against the harshness by staying stuck in the immobility and procrastination. And so these two parts inside of them become embattled - one punishes while the other digs its heels in. This happens because rather than motivating, harshness can elicit resistance, resentment and rebellion just as it often does when parents try to do this with kids, especially teenagers.

It can fuel depression and anxiety, the symptoms of which make it difficult to enjoy life. When you’re punishing yourself, it can reinforce a core belief in your unworthiness and make it difficult to experience positive emotions. You may isolate and pull away from the important people in your life, and this can become a self-reinforcing cycle; you isolate because you feel undeserving of connection, and without connection you miss out on the experiences that prove you are deserving, just because you are you.

And the most significant cost I think is it diminishes trust in yourself. When a parent is harsh and critical, punishing, it diminishes the trust and safety in that relationship with the child. Harshness directed toward a child can create a wall of protection between the parent and the child. There is dependency on the part of the child, there is an innate reliance and longing for approval and love by nature of the relationship, but there isn’t trust. When you repeat that pattern of relating to yourself, picking up where your caregiver left off, treating yourself the same way, it undermines the trusting relationship that can develop within yourself.

A Different Way of Relating To Yourself

The alternative is to learn and practice self-compassion.

Let’s imagine for a minute that as a child, when you made mistakes, used questionable judgment, had trouble controlling your impulses - as all kids do - your parents were compassionate? What if they became curious about the why behind your behavior and saw your goodness?

That’s the kind of environment that promotes learning and encourages growth.

Developing and expanding your capacity for self compassion is something we can work on in therapy if you choose.

You can create a loving, nurturing and compassionate relationship with yourself that isn’t tethered to what happens around you.

If you’d like to learn more about working with me, you can visit my contact page here to schedule a FREE 30 minute consultation.