What to Expect During Your First Couples Counseling Session
If you’re contemplating or getting ready for your first couples counseling session, you may be wondering what the initial appointment will be like.
A mix of emotions might be swirling around.
Anxiety. Anger. Maybe curiosity, too.
On the one hand, a part of you may be hoping that whatever your partner does that is bothering you most finally gets named. You may be hoping that the therapist sees your perspective and understands what you've been trying to say.
On the other hand, you may be anxious about being blamed for what’s happening.
Some couples come to that first session hoping to finally determine, once and for all, who is wrong and who is right. It’s incredibly human to want someone to settle the fight you’ve been having in the privacy of your home for months or even years.
I get it.
I’m not the judge, though, and my role isn’t to decide guilt and innocence or determine who is right and who is wrong.
What I have found is that often, what both partners really need is validation. They need acknowledgement, understanding, and empathy. There is nothing wrong with longing for those things.
And when you’re caught in painful cycles of conflict, especially when there are relational consequences of complex trauma or betrayal, it can become very difficult to access empathy and validate each other.
In couples counseling, compassion, empathy, and validation are integral to the work.
“Will you ever take my side?”
You might be wondering if I will ever agree with you.
Couples counseling is different from individual therapy. As I see it, your relationship is my client.
My focus is on identifying and addressing the barriers to the healthy, secure relationship you are trying to create together.
That doesn't mean I won't identify behavior that is harming the relationship. There are often times during the therapeutic process when a behavior, pattern, or way of responding needs to be addressed because it is interfering with the health, stability, and longevity of the relationship.
I am empathic and validating, while also offering an honest and direct mirror when it serves your relationship.
Validation does not mean agreement.
I can help you feel seen and understood without agreeing with your interpretation of your partner. I can understand why a reaction makes sense given your history while also helping you see how that reaction may be affecting the person you love.
Rather than blaming either of you, I invite you both to take personal responsibility.
Each person co-creates and impacts the system of the relationship.
For real, sustainable change to happen, each person in that system must be willing to look at their part.
My job is to make that a safe experience.
I’m not there to judge, criticize, or punish you.
I’m there to empathize. I’m there to help you understand how a response makes sense given your history, how it may have helped you survive difficult experiences, and how that same adaptation may now be impacting your relationship.
From there, you can begin to take responsibility without being consumed by shame.
You can develop compassion for yourself—for the ways you had to adapt to difficult or traumatic environments and for the strengths that developed alongside those adaptations.
At the same time, your partner is invited into your inner world in a way that promotes curiosity, compassion, and a deeper understanding of a reaction that may have seemed very personal before.
Over time, you and your partner can begin to shift from asking, “Who is right?” toward asking, “What is happening between us, and what does our relationship need?”
What happens during the first couples counseling session?
We will talk about your goals for couples counseling.
What do you hope to get out of therapy?
What do each of you envision your relationship will be like when therapy is complete?
What is the most difficult aspect of your relationship right now—the thing you absolutely need to change in order to move forward?
We will also begin to explore the cycle you’ve been stuck in.
Whether you’re on the heels of betrayal or dealing with the consequences of complex trauma within your relationship, there is often a systemic cycle feeding the conflicts you keep getting caught up in.
One partner says or does something. The other reacts. That reaction triggers something in the first partner, who responds again. Before long, you are both caught in a familiar pattern, each reacting to the other and feeling increasingly hurt, misunderstood, and alone.
The cycle begins to take on a life of its own. When you're in it, it's hard to see what is happening.
And it is this cycle that can keep you from feeling close, connected, and secure in your relationship.
One of the things I hope you leave the first session with is an emerging awareness that the cycle itself is something we can work on together, rather than seeing your partner as the problem.
What happens after the first session?
The first several sessions of our work together are assessment-related.
I’m gathering information about the cycle between you, your attachment histories, and any medical, mental health, or substance-use-related concerns that may impact the work. I also need to understand whether betrayal is ongoing, if that is relevant to your relationship, because the work of rebuilding trust looks different when the source of the injury is still occurring.
In my work, the next two to four sessions are usually individual. I’ll meet with each of you separately to gather relevant information and give each of you space to talk openly about your experience of the relationship and what has brought you to therapy.
This can feel intimidating or scary.
If it does, I invite you to express that in the room. We can work together to identify a path forward that supports the therapeutic goals while also respecting your capacity and pace.
What about my history? How much will I have to talk about?
This process is guided by you.
You will have choice throughout the process—choice about what questions to answer and how deeply you want to go, choice about the focus of sessions, and a voice in the interventions we use.
You are the expert on yourself, and you are also the expert on your experience of your relationship.
This is a collaborative process.
I am a guide and consultant there to support you as you develop a deeper understanding of yourselves, each other, and the patterns that have developed between you.
Couples counseling can ask you to look at some difficult things.
You may be asked to see parts of yourself that are uncomfortable to acknowledge. You may begin to understand your partner in ways that change how you see some of the conflicts you've been having.
And change is uncomfortable for humans. I invite you, with my support and guidance, to lean into that discomfort and become curious about what it may be asking of you. I am there to help you stay within and expand your coping capacity so that the discomfort can move you forward without becoming overwhelming.
My hope is that you can do that work with compassion—for yourselves, for each other, and for the relationship you are trying to create.
If you’re ready to take the first step, we can set up an initial consultation. You can tell me what you’re looking for, I can tell you more about how I work, and we can decide together whether moving forward with counseling makes sense for you.
You can schedule a FREE consultation by clicking the calendar link in the footer, or by visiting my Contact Page.
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